Tuesday, July 07, 2009

New Directions

In which our intrepid hero slaps himself in the head.

Have you ever had one of those days that was so busy, you had to make a list of things to do? And then lost the list? And then made another—and lost it, too? When this sort of thing happens, you begin to think that maybe some of those jobs actually get done, rather than being forgotten along the way.

Well, it turns out, this blog fell off the to-do list. I'm not entirely sure why, but sometime back in March, my brain figured that I'd written a post about why I didn't have time to write an Ada Lovelace Day article on Dr Temple Grandin, and that I'd also foreshadowed what was to come, blogwise.

But, no, apparently not. So, to very belatedly let the cat out of the bag, I'm looking at shifting my blog to its own domain, and possibly rolling in another blog I'd laid the groundwork for earlier in the year, back before Mim K/W's health really started to go haywire.

What's more, I've pretty much decided to abstain from media and political commentary in the new blog; after all, I figure that I should blog about stuff that I like, and not things that shit me to tears.

And although I'd like to write much more on roleplaying, there are already plenty of really good D&D 4e blogs out there (Spirits of Eden comes instantly to mind); I don't know that I really need to compete with them. In any case, there's a lingering uncertainty about 4e blogging in the back of my mind, because Wizards of the Coast still can't be arsed issuing a fansite policy.

But, back to the new site, I want to rope Mim K/W in to provide content as well—what, exactly, we're still working out. We've mostly hammered out the graphic design (meaning that I have to find myself a full version of Photoshop again), and we're waiting for finances to improve so we can get it commercially hosted in some random tax haven on the distant side of the planet.

Hopefully, then, it'll be a go. I doubt it'll be ready before GenCon Australia this year—so this blog might feature a recap—but I'd like to have the new site up soon thereafter.

Until then, it's more crickets, I'm afraid.

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Wednesday, March 11, 2009

It's All About the Rons

In which our intrepid hero stumbles onto evidence of a much cooler alternate universe.

I've been slack as all hell reading blogs and whatnot of late, so I've spent the last couple of days catching up. Most of the stuff I find interesting gets shared via Google Reader, and some pieces I post and comment on via Facebook—both are accessible via the widgets at the bottom left of this blog—but there was one thing I had to share here: an article from Offbeat Earth on defaced banknotes.

In particular, I'd like to draw your attention to this work of utmost awesome:


Forget Obama; if Ron Jeremy isn't about hope, I don't know who is.

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Friday, February 27, 2009

My 11 Favourite D&D Monsters

In which our intrepid hero dusts off a few old friends.

All the cool kids are doing it, so I thought I might give it a go—I'm going to list my 10 favourite monsters from D&D. Except, of course, being me, there's 11 of them:

  • Ettercap

    The original ettercap illustration, from the AD&D 1st-ed Fiend Folio, bore a striking resemblance to my best friend from school, with its hunched posture and rotund belly. Robert the ettercap butler occasionally pops up as an NPC in my games.

    In the editions since, however, the ettercap—a web-spinning humanoid—has become creepier and creepier. Where once, it looked like a bugbear with spinnerets, it now has a spider's head, three digits on each hand and foot, and an affinity for arachnids. It doesn't look so much like my friend anymore, but I still find it pretty cool.

  • Black Dragon

    Red dragons tend to overshadow their other cousins, but I've always liked black dragons better—and not just because they're black. They're sneakier as a rule, cruel as all hell and have acidic breath.

  • Jermalaine

    Yes, jermalaines. They've been around forever—since the days of Descent into the Depths of the Earth—but most GMs seem to forget them. They're tiny, xenophobic humanoids from the Underdark, only a few inches high, lilliputian masters of what would one day be known as the Zerg Rush.

  • White Dragon

    I love the ice and snow, particularly as a setting for adventures; perhaps it has something to do with its relative rarity here in the Antipodes. White dragons are the iconic winter foe, and they have the added bonus of being weak enough to throw at low-level PCs.

    And need I say it, killing your first dragon rocks!

  • Bugbear

    A lot of people like goblins (Pathfinder's interpretation is particularly cool) and hobgoblins—when they see use—make great militaristic badarse adversaries. On the other hand, bugbears are just big, dumb, hairy goblins with a mean streak. They're a bit like Ogre Lite, really. Which is why players underestimate them all the time...

  • Dohwar

    From AD&D2's Spelljammer campaign. They're humanoid penguins, would throw their grandmothers into a deal (they're cheaper than steak knives), and their elite cavalry rides winged pigs. What's not to love?

  • Tasloi

    Tasloi, originally from Dwellers of the Forbidden City, are another one of these obscure but ancient beasties. When people think of them at all, they dismiss them as mere arboreal goblins.

    However, tasloi evolved through the editions to become masters of the jungle, perfectly adapted to their environment. Whilst outside the trees, they're at a distinct disadvantage, but in their home territory, they're guerrilla warriors par excellence.

  • Derro

    I'll admit it: I never really liked drow. Duergar had promise, but never really did it for me. Svirfneblin are pathetic, and don't even start me on pech.

    But derro are awesome. Crazy, psychic, nasty and short. Derro, again, are often overlooked, but they're one of the coolest things in the Underdark.

  • Neogi

    Another product of Spelljammer, neogi are also proof that some pretty serious drugs were being handed around TSR in the latter days of AD&D2. Despite the absurdity of half-wolf spider, half-moray eel slavers, they managed to somehow capture an awesome concept for a race of bad guys.

  • Sahuagin

    Bizarre, shark-loving, devil-worshipping deep ones, a la D&D. Shit, yeah.

  • Yak-Folk

    I was originally going to include the yak-folk—or yikharia—as a runner-up, but, shucks, I'm in love. I've never used them directly, but they're giant-sized humanoid yaks. Come on. Anything half-yak is cool.

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

4e and Fansites

In which our intrepid hero tries to clear the air.

In the past couple of months, Wizards of the Coast, creators of the last two (and a bit) editions of Dungeons & Dragons, have issued cease-and-desist letters to two fansites.

Ema's Character Sheets offered a range of character sheets and generators for various d20 games. However, they also offered power cards for D&D 4e and allowed users to save characters to their servers for a fee. 4epowercards also provided users with—as its name suggests—power cards for 4e.

Predictably, the blogosphere is up in arms, accusing Wizards of Gestapo-like tactics, and generally running around like chickens with misplaced heads. Even some of the more level-headed commentators lay the blame for the current predicament firmly at Wizards' feet, citing their continuing lack of a fansite policy.

Some companies are friendlier than others with regards to their games, but the fact remains, if you obtain any sort of reward or payment or compensation, whether it's monetary or in the form of goods and services, in connection with your gaming materials, then you're a commercial operation.

If Wizards allow their intellectual property to be used for commercial purposes without charging a licence fee, then any of their other commercial licencees have grounds to sue Wizards for unfair treatment. After all, the other licencees had to pay (probably substantial amounts) for what you got for free.

Similarly, if you provide hundreds of pages of text from roleplaying manuals without permission, then what you're doing is in no way fair use. You're stealing, and you're depriving the rightful owner of sales.

Wizards were justified in what they did: acting to protect their business and their property.

It doesn't matter whether or not a company—like Wizards of the Coast—lacks a fansite policy. Just because they don't have one, doesn't mean you can do whatever the hell you want. You're still bound by intellectual property law, and as with other laws, ignorance is no defence.

Granted, Wizards should have had a fansite policy (and, for that matter, a complete Game System License) in place before they released 4e; regardless, however, they're protected by international law and by the laws of the United States of America and of the state of Washington.

Although they're hotly debated topics (particularly in the music world), the basics of fair use and derivative works are fairly widely understood. You're not violating intellectual property by posting stats for your cool new monster, so long as it's yours, or if at the very least, you have permission from the owner to post it. Most publishers won't pursue you for this sort of behaviour, and the ones that do don't stay in business.

The other stupid misunderstanding at work here is the idea that cease-and-desist letters are legally binding, in and of themselves.

Legal dramas might suggest otherwise, but very little of most lawyers' careers consist of court time; the bulk of their business is in sending threatening letters. If Wizards issue you a letter one day, demanding that you shut down your blog, then you're well within your rights to ignore it.

What happens next varies by jurisdiction, but in general, it's up to Wizards to decide whether they want to fight you in court, make life difficult for you in general, or give the whole thing up as a bad joke. Chances are, though, they won't do the latter, because it legally amounts to much the same thing as giving it away for free.

In short, save yourself the trouble: exercise a little common sense, and if in doubt, ask the company concerned where they stand on fan material.

UPDATE: Long-time designer and roleplaying historian Shannon Appelcline wrote a very informative essay on the subject last July.

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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Have a Gold Star

In which our intrepid hero acknowledges something often forgotten in gaming circles.

When gamers get together to discuss game companies, they talk about all sorts of things.

They might praise an especially fluid, transparent and enjoyable game system, or tear a bad one to shreds. They might critique a particular setting. They might reminisce about a particular edition of a game. They might search for common themes in the works of a particular writer or artist, or even examine such minutiae of production as fonts and white space. They might (and often do) complain about price and shipping and distribution.

But one thing you don't often come across in these discussions is recognition of good customer service. I honestly don't know why. It might not have as immediate an impact as a product's retail price, but that's no reason why it should be overlooked.

Very few non-roleplayers are involved in this industry, mostly, I imagine, in the upper echelons of the bigger companies, or down in the warehouse, moving product. It's not like, say, mainstream publishing, where an editor might not be a rabid fan of the genre he works on, or whitegoods, where (chances are) the guy who sells you a microwave oven doesn't have a degree in electrical engineering.

Despite this—and this is one reason for the high turnover of gaming companies—the people who run game companies should be businessmen (or women) first, and gamers second, or else they probably won't be around for long. Successful business relies on maintaining professionalism, and good customer service is part of that.

I'd like to take a moment out, then, to thank the following people and companies for the service that they've given me. I'm proud to recommend them to any gamers out there.

In no particular order:

  • Wolfgang Baur of Kobold Quarterly.

    Not only is KQ an excellent read and pretty good value for money, but the guy who runs it is pretty nice, too. When the email notifying me of a particular issue went missing in my inbox, and the link to download that issue expired (by several months), I sent Mr Baur a message to request a new one.

    Although he would've been well within his rights to tell me to stick my head in a pig, Mr Baur instead got back to me with a fresh download link in under two hours.

  • Thunderbolt Mountain.

    Back in the day, Ral Partha was the name in gaming-related miniatures, its reputation built on the talents of a sculptor named Tom Meier.

    Mr Meier eventually founded his own company, Thunderbolt Mountain, and whilst Thunderbolt's range tends to cater more to a market niche—his more mainstream creations are available through Ironwind Metals—the quality is still what you'd expect from a master of the trade.

    Early last year, personal and business issues left Thunderbolt's website un-updated and only semi-functional for a couple of months. With a bit of IT subterfuge, however, I managed to order a couple of miniatures that technically weren't available on the website any more.

    Without further ado, the miniatures I ordered made their way across the Pacific—with a freebie miniature thrown in.

  • Chaosium.

    Chaosium is one of the oldest companies in the industry, the evil geniuses behind my favourite roleplaying game of all time, Call of Cthulhu. Unlike the two companies I mentioned above, I'd like to highlight not just a one-off gesture, but one of their regular policies.

    Chaosium offers free shipping for non-US orders of $USD125 or more. Given the cost of shipping these days—it averages roughly 16% of cover price—this is an enormous boon to an Antipodean gamer. And despite their jokes about products being "sent out by space-bound byakhee," their shipping is fast, far quicker than many other US-based companies.
Although a nod from some random guy on the periphery of the blogosphere mightn't mean as much as, say, an ENnie or a Callie, if any of the above are reading, I'd like to thank you. I'll be back at your doorsteps, cash in hand, as soon as I can, and I'd like to bring as many friends with me as I can muster.

Have a gold star. You earned it.


Currently reading:
  • Robert J Schwalb et al.Children of the Horned Rat

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Behind the Curtain

In which our intrepid hero tells a few home truths.

One thing that I don't often do on my blog is write about myself. I'll opine until the proverbial cows come home, but there's not much about me as a person. So, it's time I drew aside the curtain, for but a brief moment...

I'm not doing this for pity, nor really to bitch; this is for those friends out there who've wondered exactly where my head's been, these couple of years past. Some outstanding misconceptions seem to have popped up over this period, and I should probably do something to clear them up.

There are Questions that Just Have to be Answered: I haven't been a member of the Liberal Party for nearly three years; I haven't worked in politics for nearly two; and (aside from one exception, where a couple of friends ran as independents for their local council) haven't worked on a campaign for years, either. There are good reasons for this, I feel.

First amongst them are the Mongolian clusterfucks known as the parliamentary parties, both state and federal. A number of MPs are intelligent, realistic, humane and generally nice people; sadly, they're exceptions to the rule, held under by a party structure that's top-heavy with clueless fuckwits, with little understanding of the voting public. As a consequence, the parliamentary parties fail not only as alternative governments, but also as opposition.

I'm sick of pouring my time, effort and money into campaigns to vote unelectable tools into office, and I'm sick of copping abuse at the polling booth, especially when I agree with a lot of the very reasonable things that some of the Party's detractors have to say.

The second reason I choose not to re-involve myself is because, by the time I left, there was no longer any mechanism for rank-and-file members to contribute to policy, at least in the NSW Division. None. Nadda. Zip. Zero. At best, a handful of members might get themselves elected to an ad hoc platform or policy committee which Liberal MPs aren't bound in any way to acknowledge, let alone implement policy from the party grassroots.

Thirdly, ever since ousted MP Peter King ran against Malcom Turnbull at the 2004 federal election, and members of my own branch voiced their concerns about branch stacking to the ABC in 2006, the NSW State Executive have enacted witch-hunts against and expelled party members who speak out to the media, or who merely fail to hand out how-to-votes for the Party on polling day.

Fourthly, the organisational party is dominated by an unholy mishmash of ultraconservative Traditionalist Catholics, adherents of Pentecostal prosperity theology, obnoxious neoconservatives, unabashed fascists, Communist-obsessed relics of Cold-War-era Central Europe (the Berlin Wall fell 20 years ago, guys!) and assorted, fanatical personality cultists; collectively, they put pay to the worst stereotypes and even satire of conservative politics.

Incidentally—and I know some people may be shocked by this revelation—Malcolm Turnbull is not the fucking messiah. Deal with it.

Milling about in the gaps between these groups are a diminishing number of confused and worried actual conservatives, a smaller number of utterly unorganised and even more worried actual liberals, and a mostly stable collection of soulless hypocrites who worry only about their own preselections.

This sad reality is related to my fifth reason for not rejoining: the NSW Moderate (ie, centrist and politically Leftmost) faction, of which I was nominally a member, is essentially moribund.

The rot began years ago, long before the Lunar Right took control, in the halcyon days of a Moderate-dominated regime lasting nearly a quarter of a century. The reasons for this are too many to go into here, but let's just say that the Moderates ain't taking control back any time soon. And in the unlikely event that they actually do, there's little to suggest that things might improve.

Lastly, I'm sick of the incessant branch stacking, from Left and from Right. If I wanted to limit my contribution to public policy to a name, an address and a contact number, then I'd sell my details to a database marketing company.

So, no, I don't want to sign up again. Quit asking me.

The Drugs Don't Like Me Either: Shortly after my grandmother died, my doctor prescribed me a course of antidepressants.

Which was all well and good, except that I didn't want antidepressants—I wanted advice on treating anxiety. Eighteen years of violent abuse at the hands of an alcoholic schizophrenic, followed by a litany of dysfunctional family crap and a succession of horrific, exploitative work environments left me with an anxiety disorder and seriously shot nerves.

Now, fluvoxamine, venlafaxine and duloxetine might work great for some people, but they left me unable to concentrate or even stay awake for more than four hours a day. When I told my (then-)doctor about this, and the 60-kilogram weight gain, and the hallucinations, and the constant migraines and odd behaviour and other side effects, she kindly doubled my prescription.

After eighteen months of hell, I finally went cold turkey. Tellingly, it was easier to give up cigarettes cold—at least I didn't experience hallucinations or start literally going out of my mind when I butted out for good.

My short-term memory is still quite poor, the excess pounds are finally starting to shed and I'm more irritable than I used to be, but I'm mostly back to normal. I still don't remember a lot of that eighteen months, though; to give an example, I keep forgetting that Anna Nicole Smith is dead.

Luckily, the issue doesn't come up very often.

Keep Walking—I Mean It: Thanks to body mass and a quirk of genetics, my tolerance for alcohol nears legendary proportions, despite my modest and diminishing consumption. One of the few benefits of this—I use the term advisedly—is that I learnt pretty quickly that alcohol doesn't make you funnier, wiser, tougher, more personable or attractive. I discovered this mostly through suffering, in relative sobriety, the antics of friends with economy-model livers.

My cats are my children, and I take their welfare extremely seriously. One of them has a chronic anxiety issue, and another is depressed, because the last two flatmates that we've had have been belligerent fuckwits after a couple of drinks.

And they seem to need those drinks.

Whilst on an alcohol- (and possibly speed-) fuelled binge, the first poured Zippo fuel over his arm and set it alight, because he thought it would be funny; he also locked one of my cats in the fridge and spread about two weeks worth of Mim's and my food across the kitchen floor. I've mentioned this much previously. But then, there was the ordeal with the used condom...

He was last seen being bundled into a hostel room two suburbs away.

Time for a bit of cat psychology. If you put food down in front of a cat, and then walk away, the cat will assume that the food is for them. It's how you feed cats. A cat understands this, even though its brain is only about the size of a golf ball.

If you put dinner on the table, and wander off in an intoxicated haze, then as far as the cat's concerned, your dinner's fair game. If you then, some ten to fifteen minutes later, stumble back into the room and start screaming at and/or abusing the poor animal, then the cat won't react very well—as far as the cat's concerned, you're being a cunt, and you deserve whatever you get.

Our current flatmate hasn't worked this out yet, which suggests things about his brain's remaining functional volume...

At one stage, he locked one of our cats in the bathroom overnight, without food or water. Maybe this was an accident, or an alcohol-mediated lapse in judgement—we don't know—but it happened to the cat with whom he's had the greatest antagonism; Mim K/W and I wonder what else might've been going on when we weren't around.

We aren't yet in a financial position to remedy these problems permanently—although we're working on it—so our cats have taken up the slack: six vengeful, little demons are engaged in guerrilla warfare against the troglodytic lush who grudgingly shares their home. They're not happy with his continued presence, and so, my house has become a frigging combat zone.

With any luck, it'll end up like The Cats of Ulthar, only with no cats dying.

The upshot of all this is that now, my cats are stressed, and the smell of alcohol unduly distresses my poor babies even more. Should I so much as partake of a stubby or a glass of wine, then I can expect my cats to cower under furniture for the rest of the night. Whilst they know that I won't hurt them, they're not taking any chances.

My message to alcoholics everywhere: Fuck you, and the inebriated horse you rode in on. Between my mother, flatmates and various ex-friends, I've had enough of you ruining my life.

Roll on the GM Burnout Table: For a guy who lists roleplaying as one of his favourite activities, and (occasionally) writes blog articles about it, I actually don't get too much gaming done. It sucks, and I wish I did more.

Part of the problem, recently, was the pharmaceutically-induced malaise I laboured under for eighteen months. This made it especially difficult to do anything creative; I also had trouble reading more than a couple of pages a day, and even then, none of it stuck in my head.

But the other reason has plagued me almost since I started gaming, some 23½ years ago.

Excluding conventions, I've played under a total of seven GMs, mostly in campaigns that lasted for less than a year. But let's say (for the sake of convenience) that each of these campaigns were a year long; it's a nice, round number. Let's also say that I've had about 2½ years downtime.

This means that for two-thirds of my gaming life, I've been the GM. I ran the games; I did the heavy lifting crafting campaigns, and when I didn't, I had to read voluminous tomes in order to run pre-published ones; I was the one stuck at home, trying to build enjoyable player experiences, whilst my players were out living their lives; I hosted and often catered the games, rarely asking for much in return.

And things would go well for a while, but inevitably, scheduling issues would arise, or players would disappear off the face of the planet, or players with serious social deficits would decide to play politics and break gaming groups up for their own perverse amusement.

At some point, I realised that I was putting a lot more into games than I was getting out. Sure, my players enjoyed the games I ran, but all they really had to do was turn up and play. They still tell me how much they miss gaming, and ask when we're going to play next.

At this stage, my answer is this: whenever you get off your butts and do something—one of you can GM for a change.

Don't get me wrong—I love GMing—but I'm sick of doing all the work. I'm sick of having to structure my life around my players', and being greeted with confusion and outrage whenever I dare complain. I'm sick of having my dreams quashed so you guys can play out yours. Cut me some fucking slack.

*sigh*

So, that's about it. There are some major events I haven't covered here, either because they're still too painful to discuss, or because it'll cause me too much grief if I bring certain things to light right now. I'll get around to them eventually.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone, but that's the price of honesty. As I said, I didn't mean to bitch, but some things just needed clearing up. If it helps, I'll try not to be quite so forthright in future—well, until next year some time, anyway.


Currently reading:

  • Robert J Schwalb et al.Children of the Horned Rat

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Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration Day

In which our intrepid hero gets his wires crossed.

Personally, I blame Adam. If he hadn't gotten me thinking about Roland Emmerich the other day—Emmerich being slated to direct the film adaptation of Asimov's Foundation series—then I wouldn't have this bizarre mashup going through my head.

If I think too hard about it, I get this Blake-esque vision of Bill Pullman in blackface, before cheering crowds:

We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Inauguration Day!
Meanwhile, a row of backup dancers, in Bob the Builder drag, shimmy to Can we fix it? Yes we can! And the backdrop to the stage looks something like this:


Dubya might not have been the worst President in US history—everyone seems to pin that dubious honour on Harding, even though the latter only served half a term—but as a citizen of one of the American Empire's farther-flung colonies, I'm glad that King George II has finally abdicated. We, in the Free World, can get on with life and start rebuilding now.

I don't know if Obama is all he's cracked up to be, but at least he's something new and different, and can stir up enough hope to initiate some sort of a break from the last eight years of graft, cronyism and incompetence.

In the interim, the GOP can lick its wounds and find its centre again. It can clear out the nutters and the neocons, the kleptomaniacs and kakistocrats. In time, it can don the mantle of Abe, Teddy and Ike once more—and wear it with pride.

Don't let the door hit your arse on the way out, George.


Currently reading:
  • Robert J Schwalb et al.The Thousand Thrones

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Monday, January 12, 2009

A Word on the English Language

In which our intrepid hero quibbles over accuracy in journalism.

One of my bugbears with the media in this country is how lightly journalists bandy about words like "bravery" and "hero". It's wrong, sloppy and, frankly, it breeds idiocy in our society. We could use fewer idiots.

I don't mean to diminish the poor girl's suffering, but this report is a case in point:

A teenage girl attacked by a shark in Tasmania bravely hit back at the man-eater and screamed for help, her elder cousin and rescuer says.
Had she given up and force-fed herself down the shark's gullet, would we laud her compassion: Girl gives up life so that flake may live? No, but acting sensibly and—let's face it—instinctively somehow becomes morphed into the ultimate act of courage.

It happens a lot in sports reporting, too. Let's be brutally honest here. As much as sports journalists would have you believe otherwise, Brett Lee (to pick a name at random) is not a hero; he simply hurls objects at little brown men in an entertaining manner.

Edmund Hillary was brave. John Simpson Kirkpatrick was a hero, as was the man who risked his life to rescue his cousin from shark attack in the Tasmanian surf.

Slapping these titles onto mere survivors and showmen only cheapens the sacrifice of those who truly deserve them.


Currently reading:
  • Robert J Schwalb et al.The Thousand Thrones

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Expanding the Vocabulary

In which our intrepid hero learns a new word from his cat.

Máâ-má! (The Roman alphabet is notoriously bad at expressing tonal languages, but I think it's a good approximation.)

Buffy leapt upon my chest a couple of days ago, twirling around in a little cat dance, and waking me from my nap. Máâ-má! she exclaimed, proudly, pausing to nudge my hand or wash my face, before peeling off again into her little cat gyre.

I knew it was something important. Glancing at the clock, I guessed that our flatmate, Nicholas, had arrived home, but I doubted that was it. And although Timmy often wakes me up to tell me that he's just eaten fish, Buffy's breath suggested otherwise.

Máâ-má! Her eyes all lit up, Buffy grinned through the frustration of communicating her elation to the dumb human. I cautiously made my way downstairs, hoping that Mim K/W might have an answer.

"Poor Buffy," she said, as the latter wove excitedly about my ankles. "All that pressure must've hurt the poor little thing." As Mim continued, it gradually became clear what Máâ-má! meant:

Daddy! I farted loud!

This is why I'm a cat-parent.


Currently reading:

  • Robert J Schwalb et al.The Thousand Thrones

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Thursday, January 08, 2009

The Green Children of Woolpit

In which our intrepid hero delves into Suffolk folklore.

Late last month, over at Kobold Quarterly, John Ling wrote a short (but excellent) article on the legend of the Green Children of Woolpit, Suffolk, complete with d20 writeups. Ling cites his sources here; they're a good primer for anyone interested in the story.

The Green Children have fascinated me ever since I first heard about them, many years ago. One of my favourite sources for English folklore, Westwood and Simpson's The Lore of the Land has this to say about the strange couple:

The story [of the Green Children] was first told by the chronicler Ralph of Coggeshall, writing at the monastery of Coggeshall, Essex, in about 1210. He says that, 'within living memory', a boy and a girl whose skins were green were found near the mouth of one of the pits at 'St Mary's of the Wolf-pits'. The villagers who found them could not understand what they said, and so took them to the house of their lord of the manor, Sir Richard de Calne.
The family name refers to the town of Calne, Wiltshire, most recently a centre for crop circle activity. But Calne is some 250km away from Woolpit.

However, this list of prebendaries of Chiswick, London, mentions a Nigel de Calne, one-time Lord High Treasurer to Kings Henry I and Stephen, and second Bishop of Ely, Cambridgeshire.

Nigel spent his early years studying at Laon, famed birthplace of Bertha Broadfoot, Charlemagne's mother. Nigel studied under renowned theologian Anselm of Laon, and his contemporaries included the future Bishop of Hereford, Archbishops of Canterbury and Rouen—and possibly even the legendary Peter Abelard himself.

Some sources claim that Nigel and Alexander, third Bishop of Lincoln, were brothers; others suggest that they were merely cousins. Nonetheless, Alexander is credited as the patron of Geoffrey of Monmouth; amongst other books, Alexander commissioned Geoffrey to write The Prophecies of Merlin, the first record of the half-demon wizard outside the Welsh tongue.

Nigel's son, Richard FitzNeal, also a Chiswick prebendary, would go on to become Lord High Treasurer to Henry II and Richard I, Stephen's successors. He also served as Dean of Lincoln—an important administrative post under Alexander—and eventually as Bishop of London until his death in 1198.

(Nigel's other son, William of Ely, succeeded Richard as Lord High Treasurer.)

No word on whether Richard FitzNeal was granted lands near Woolpit, although history places him in Ely, a mere 55km from Woolpit, in the early stages of his life. On the other hand, at least we're in the right century; indeed, some commentators place the Woolpit tale early in Henry II's reign.

An interesting family, to say the least, and very well-connected. If Richard FitzNeal and Sir Richard de Calne were one and the same, then what undisclosed uses might Richard have had for the Green Children? If nothing else, uncle Alexander would've found them quite intriguing...

The Lore of the Land continues:
At first, the children wept inconsolably and refused all food, until on seeing some freshly cut beans they made signs to show they would like some. For a long time, they would eat nothing else, and the boy soon languished and died. The girl, however, throve, gradually losing her green colouring, and remained many years in Sir Richard's household, albeit somewhat lascivious ('as I have frequently heard from him and his family').
Perhaps Richard complained of the girl's lasciviousness—or maybe he was boasting?
The girl told them that she came from a land where the sun never shone and everyone was green. She and her brother had been following their flocks when they came on a cavern, and, hearing the sound of bells from within, followed it and eventually emerged into daylight. They had lain stunned by the brightness for some while before the villagers found them.
Some versions of the tale suggest that the bells rang out from nearby Bury St Edmunds, which has its own fairy tales (again, from The Lore of the Land):
There wus a farmer, right a long time ago, that wus, an he had a lot o' wate [wheat]... An he huld [hurled] all his wate in a barn, of a hape he did! but that hape got lesser and lesser... So off of his bed he got, one moanlight night, an he hid hiself hind the oud lanetew [lean-to], where he could see that's barn's doors; and when the clock struck twelve, if he din see right a lot of little tiddy frairies. O lork! how they did run—they was little bits o' things, as big as mice, an they had little blue caoots and yaller breeches an little red caps on thar hids with long tassels hangin down behind. An they run right up to that barn's door. An if that barn door dint open right wide of that self. An lopperty lop! over the throssold [threshold] they all hulled [hurled] themselves. Well, when the farmer see they wus all in, he kum nigher and nigher... An he see all they little frairies; they danced round an round, an then they all ketched up an air [ear] o' wate, an kopt [threw] it over their little shoulders, they did. But at the last there come right a dear little frairie that was soo small that could hardly lift that air o' wate, and that kep saying as that walked—
'Oh, how I do twait [sweat],
A carrying o' this air o' wate.
An when that kum to the throssold, that kount [couldn't] git over no how, an that farmer he retched out his hand an he caught a houd o' that poooare thing, an that shruck out, 'Brother Mike! Brother Mike!' as loud as that coud. But the farmer he kopt that inter his hat, an he took that home for his children; he tied that to the kitchen winder. But that poooare little thing, that wont ate nothin, an that poyned away and died.
No one said that the Green Children's flock consisted of mere sheep, and although the girl was named Agnes in some tales, who's to say the boy wasn't named Michael?

Incidentally, the source (above) which names the girl as Agnes also suggests she married a man in either King's Lynn or Lavenham (both towns in Suffolk), and that after her first husband died, she may have married Richard de Barre—but then the account quickly dismisses the latter possibility.

However, as Archdeacon of Ely, and Chancellor to Henry II, it's almost unthinkable that de Barre wouldn't be acquainted with Nigel de Calne, Richard FitzNeal and their extended family. Richard could easily have introduced Agnes to her future husband.

Other towns and villages in the vicinity of Woolpit have stories of their own. The hamlet of Dagworth is the site of one of the earliest remaining changeling tales, also attributed in The Lore of the Land to Ralph of Coggeshall:
[I]n the time of King Richard a fantasticus spiritus haunted Dagworth Castle, home of the lord of the manor, Osbern of Bradwell. She spoke to its inhabitants in the voice of a child one year old and said she was called Malekin. She was a human child who had been stolen by the fairies from a cornfield while her mother worked. She had already lived with the fairies for a term of seven years, and after another seven would be allowed to return to the human world. She would speak to the servants 'according to the idiom of the region', that is, in the Suffolk dialect, but when she talked to the priest, with whom she discussed the Scriptures, spoke in Latin.

Malekin was invisible, although she could be both heard and felt. Only one person in the castle had ever seen her, and that was a servant girl with whom she had become friends. This girl used to put out food for her and often asked Malekin to appear. Malekin finally agreed to do so provided the girl promised neither to touch nor try to catch her. The girl said later that Malekin looked like a tiny child dressed in a white linen tunic.
One can only guess that this was a fairy glamour, and that Malekin's true form would appear if the mien were dispelled by touch.

Interestingly, another version of this story suggests that Malekin was male—and that he was born in Lavenham.

Nearby Stowmarket was also plagued by fairies, known in the local dialect as feriers, ferishers or farrisees. (Note that this version of the Woolpit tale claims that the current Earl Ferrers is one of Agnes' descendants. What's in a name?)

The Lore of the Land reports the following account, from a woman of almost 80, quoted in the 1844 History of Stowmarket:
Her father was a leather breeches maker and her mother having had a baby (either herself or her sister, she forgets which) was lying asleep some weeks after her confinement in bed with her husband and the infant by her side. She woke in the night, it was dimmish light, and missed the babe. Uttering an exclamation of fear, lest the fairies... should have taken the child, she jumped out of bed, and there sure enough a number of the little sandy things had got the baby at the foot of the bed and were undressing it. They fled away through a hole in the floor, laughing as if they shrieked, and snatching up her child, on examination she found that they had laid all the pins head to head as they took them out of the dress. For months afterwards she always slept with the child between herself and husband, and used carefully to pin it by its bed clothes to the pillow and sheets that it might not be snatched hastily away.
John Aubrey apparently wrote also of the uniquely sandy-haired fairies of Stowmarket:
The fairy wore yellow satin shoes, was clothed in a long green coat girt about by a golden belt, and had sandy hair and complexion.
The History of Stowmarket contains further accounts:
S— living for 30 years at the cottages in the hop ground on the Bury road coming home one night 20 years since, in the meadow now a hop ground, not far from three ashen trees in very bright moon-light saw the fairies. There might be a dozen of them, the biggest about three feet high, and small ones like dolls. Their dresses sparkled as if with spangles like the girls at shows at Stow fair, they were moving round hand in hand in a ring, no noise from them. They seemed light and shadowy... I passed on, saying, the Lord have mercy on me, but them must be the fairies... I looked after them when I got over the style, and they were there, just the same moving round and round. I ran home and called three women to come back with me and see them. But when we got to the place they were all gone. I could not make out any particular things about their faces. I might be 40 yards from them, and I did not like to stop and stare at them. I was quite sober at the time.
Another account from same book, presumably also sober, as it was given by a parish clerk:
Fairies frequented several houses in Tavern Street about 80 to 100 years since. They never appeared as long as any one was about. People used to lie hid to see them, and some have seen them. Once in particular by a wood-stack up near the brick-yard there was a large company of them dancing, singing, and playing music together. They were very small people, quite little creatures, and very merry. But as soon as they saw any body they all vanished away. In the house after they had fled, on going upstairs sparks of fire as bright as stars used to appear under the feet of the persons who disturbed them.
Fornham All Saints even has its own mermaid (from History and Antiquities of Hengrave, quoted, again, in The Lore of the Land):
The Mermaid pits are said to derive their name from the story of a love-sick maid, who perished there:
'Now there spreaden a rumour that everish night,
The (pitts) ihaunted been by many a sprite,
The miller avoucheth and all thereabout,
That they full oft hearen the hellish rout.' [...]
The fragment of story about the 'love-sick maid' is tantalizing: we are left uncertain as to whether this is simply the usual tale of a betrayed girl drowning herself and thereafter haunting the pool or river where she died, or whether she was thought of as turning into one of the cruel and vindictive freshwater mermaids that inhabit pits and pools in East Anglia.
These mermaids are described either as long-armed beasts with long, green tresses and hooked talons, or as beautiful women, differentiable only by their webbed feet. But both share strong, homicidal impulses and cannibalistic urges.

Before we get too far off track, we should hearken back to the Woolpit tale:
William of Newburgh, a monastery in Yorkshire, also tells the story, which he may have got in the main from Ralph, as they sometimes exchanged material. However, he includes details not mentioned in Ralph's version of events, dating the appearance of the Green Children to the reign of King Stephen (1135-54), and saying that, when they emerged from the cave, they found themselves among reapers getting in the harvest. Both children learned to speak English, and they said that they came from St Martin's Land, where the people were Christians, and the sun never shone there, though not far off, on the far side of a broad river, they could see 'a certain luminous country'.
Numerous explanations have been given for 'St Martin's Land', including an enclave of Flemish weavers in the nearby village of Fornham St Martin (a couple of kilometres or so from Fornham All Saints).

But what if there's another possibility; hell, if we're going to lend credence to stories of wanton, green Christians from beneath the earth, then why not broaden our horizons just that little bit farther?

The Catholic Encyclopedia lists two St Martins, the first being Pope St Martin I, and the other St Martin of Tours. Martin I is a relatively obscure pope, born near Rome in the 7th Century and dying in exile in the Crimea, at the behest of Byzantine Emperor Constans.

Martin of Tours, however, is far better known in western Europe. St Martin's feast day, Martinmas, November 11, traditionally marked the beginning of Advent. A half of Martin's cloak became a prized relic of the Carolingian Dynasty. And legend credits Martin with bringing chenin blanc grapes to France and teaching vignerons to prune their vines.

He's a patron saint of soldiers, and is regarded both as one of the mediaeval period's most popular saints, and one of France's greatest—presumably, in part, for his association with viticulture.

Martin was born in the 4th Century in the Roman province of Pannonia Prima. From the 9th Century onwards, the area was home to the Kingdom of Hungary, which converted to Christianity soon after it was established.

Surely, Hungarian, unrelated as it is to most other European languages, would be pretty much unintelligible to the people of mediaeval Suffolk? And is it not possible, as in the case of Viganella, Italy, that a small village at the bottom of a Carpathian valley might be deprived of sunlight for a good part of the year?

Even if the Green Children did not hail from Hungary, we know from the story of Malekin that some fairies can speak Latin and that they may know Scripture—why not hagiography as well? And even if they knew nothing of St Martin's early life, how many common, 12th-Century men could gainsay the Children's tale?

Truth departs meekly when the wee folk are about.


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